My Big Gamble

My life was planned with precision – it had its own schedule.

There was a plan to be happy.

A plan to be known,

A plan to fall in love,

A plan to be young, forever.

Nobody told me that to be happy is to risk creating memories.

To be known, is to risk losing the ability to trust,

To love is to risk appearing a fool,

To be young is to risk being rash.

There was a plan to love unconditionally.

A plan to make friends,

A plan to express every thought,

A plan to be alive.

I wish they had told me that to love is to risk not being loved in return.

To express is to risk being yourself,

To be alive is to risk getting addicted.

I planned my life to be the greatest adventure – to love, to question, to stand up for myself.

In the scheme of things, I never planned for a broken heart.

It never crossed my mind that to try is to risk failing.

I never thought I’d be the prodigal child.

I never planned to hurt or be hurt.

I never planned to let go.

I never planned to pray.

The lessons I have learnt are painful.

Who would’ve thought that to live, you would need a Death?

My quest for Truth led to completion and healing.

No one told me that my greatest weakness would become my greatest strength.

To believe is to risk being free.

To be saved is to risk discarding walls.

To love is to risk being healed.

_____________________________________________________________________

I recently went away on a weeklong trip without telling anyone I was going! It was on my Day Zero list. I took this notebook along to make notes not knowing that I had scribbled a few things at the back. This one was written in July 2006.

8 thoughts on “My Big Gamble

  1. Loved it – I’m proud of knowing your girl! When are you writing that book? It’s waiting to spill out. I want a personal signed copy, ok? Cheers!!

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  2. Okay. With every post I am reading more posts. I am not psycho or anything but right there you really wrote what I feel. I feel the same for most of the posts that you right about yourself and for the fear of writing the same thing again and again..I refrained myself from commenting on other posts. You know the rain checks post..the last line, the pause-play thing..the porch..phew!

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