Going to Bed

My love-hate affair with sleep is usually a topic of bar room discussion. It’s true that I roam the halls until the last light goes off and then I go chasing fireflies. And when I do end up in bed, I lay staring at the ceiling till some absurd dream takes control and I wake up with a fist in my mouth to stop me from screaming. To say my dreams are vivid is an understatement and mum always blamed my excessive movie watching for this … ailment.

But all my life I’ve hated going to bed. When I was younger, I used to pretend to sleep walk out of my room into where the adults sat sharing stories into the night. And there amid those voices and drunken laughter, I would fall asleep. I love falling asleep.

Going to bed means that I would get tangled up in all sorts of rituals. The logistics of going to bed sometimes stifles me. I mean, think about it. Falling asleep, on the other hand, just happens. It’s not planned or pre-meditated. It’s spontaneous to say the least even if it means you suddenly jolt awake cause the sun is in your eye or the TV is playing a Wham song on Vh1 Classic.

When that happens, I try to find my way to bed where the fresh memory of sleep will help you melt into bed straight away, to curl up into the warmth of your bed and your quilt on a cold, cold morning. Instantly you’ll fall back into deep slumber and the dreams? They get pleasant.

Going to bed gives me performance anxiety. It means I have to stay awake and confront thoughts that I’ve given the slip to all day. It means I have to battle that final moment of consciousness, that moment just before you want to reach out to your phone and text message that someone you didn’t have the guts to say anything to in the daylight. The moment bordering when you are most vulnerable. It’s probably obvious that I’m not a fan.

Try it. Falling asleep vs. Going to bed. What would you pick?

Disclaimer: My fixation with sleep probably has got to with me not getting so much of it!

14 Comments Add yours

  1. Coretta Christy says:

    “Going to bed gives me performance anxiety.” — ha ha ha LOVE IT!!!! You entertain girl…glad i read this on a sunday šŸ˜‰


    1. cupitonians says:

      šŸ˜€ Thank you so much! šŸ™‚ I’m glad you love it! šŸ˜‰ Hope you’re having a good sunday till now. šŸ™‚


      1. Coretta Christy says:

        naaah it wasn’t good until i read ur blog! šŸ˜€ Thank you!


        1. cupitonians says:

          Awww. Then I’m doubly happy. *hugs* hope the rest of your Sunday turns out better!


  2. Henri says:

    I went through this phase for a while when I moved to Chennai. It was horrible. I didn’t feel like me at all…but that’s because there was a ME before this happened, ofc. Ok, so my doc suggested aromatherapy…Gernamium oil, a few drops mixed with some water and then put in a diffuser with a candle underneath…I love falling asleep now. Also, check this out…www.soundsleeping.com – I have been using this for about a week and I love it.


    1. cupitonians says:

      Will check it out for sure. šŸ™‚ Hugs.


  3. 9 says:

    Feel exactly the same. Falling asleep, any day! Nice post.


    1. cupitonians says:

      And now, cheers to that! šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚


  4. Raseena says:

    Why didn’t I read this before?! Loved it! šŸ˜€

    Damn, I miss writing.


    1. cupitonians says:

      Awww. Thank you. And you should write again!


  5. mark says:

    plans for tonight

    lose mind to be found at a later date
    let 33 cups of tea go cold cursing everyone
    get distracted from kitchen to bathroom to plants to guitar
    to the maddening creativity of over spontaneous spontaneity

    make a list of things to do never to be done
    talk to the room in various questioning accents

    let more cups of tea go cold
    determined to drink one that is hot
    only to be distracted
    mid sip by gentle call of books stacked
    since last crazy night day night sun up

    cast occasional glances at sentimental television
    that feels it has been unloved for too long

    shave perhaps
    bath perhaps
    food perhaps not

    exit hurly burly
    watch sunrise
    stolen flowers
    gathered feathers
    then back


    exit once more burly hurly
    in a whirlwind
    towards town
    towards day
    towards next night
    carrying scars through till sometime

    instant sleep

    Liked by 1 person

    1. cupitonians says:

      Worthy of its own post!


      1. mark says:

        Sorry it was a bit cheeky, perhaps I should have said something different.
        I suppose it’s my fault for being in disguise or perhaps I have just been cast out into the wilderness since I stopped studying the rain. I guess I’ll just wander on into the wilderness… But I think I’ll read your post called “Supernatural Loch Ness Monster Expialidocious”, which sounds excellent… You know I still regret not calling it “Supernatural Loch Ness Monster Next To House Of Hocus Pocus”

        Oh as regards sleep and going to bed, it doesn’t happen anymore, for about 5 years now all I do is crazy stuff until I fall asleep, sometimes it can be 9 days usually it’s about 3 or 4 days. I can’t remember the last time I lay down with the intention of going to sleep, it is too much of an alien thought to me now.
        It has been amazing at times and I’ve seen many amazing things, but I’ve also definitely reduced my life expectancy by at least 20 years. It’s kind of wonderful in a really fucked up sort of way.

        I have no idea why I just said all this, I never tell anyone this kind of shit…
        I better run before it is too late…

        Would you like some wind chimes? I’ve made lots of them for some reason, it’s what I do… crazy stuff… they’re not just ordinary wind chimes, they are actually in tune with each other. Same wavelength, same frequency, they vibrate accordingly every time a new star begins to scintillate.

        Take care, be happy…



        1. cupitonians says:

          Haha. It’s always a delight reading your comments. You must write for me again if you do get time between your sleepless stretches. Also, I’d love them windchimes. You are amazing, Go study the rain again!


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