Ha. Well, now that I’ve lured you here, I guess I must confess that this is not really an ode. I suck at poetry but … I’ve got a story. As always.
I hate dentists. Wait, scratch that. That’s not a good way to start a story. Let me try again.
Once upon a time, this world screwed me over by increasing fuel prices. And since I’m such a loafer (I travelled 32 miles to and from work. This is minus the various field trips. So on an average I rode 50 miles a day on my trusty motorcycle) what money I did not save for my “fuck you all I’m leaving on my world trip” fund, I spent on fuel. This meant that I had to act cheap and cut corners where I really shouldn’t have. (Chalk one up on my “Lessons Learnt” list)
And you know how obsessive I get about my teeth. I really do love em & the dentists would oogle at them. I had all 32 by the time I was 17 and I was like a proud momma. And then I did the really stupid thing of riding out in a thunderstorm at full speed … wait for it … without a helmet. It’s not that I was suicidal. I was not. I mean I did get a kick out of speed – adrenaline and all. But I’m in India for crying out loud. Helmets were not compulsary till, I don’t know, two years ago?
So I busted my thick luscious lips (Wash your judgmental minds with dettol before you even go there!) and chipped a tooth, got a bunch of new scars and that was the end of that.
If only it were that easy. Goddamn. Anyway, I had to go to this medical college for dentists because I really couldn’t afford a proper one. (Even in India these buggers drink money like I would beer). So I got x-rays done for next to nothing and all was well till there this horde of giggling dental students who stood over me and talking to each other as though I didn’t exist. Which would have been okay except I speak 3 Indian languages which, of course, were the only 3 languages that these students knew.
They spoke about my beautiful teeth and I tried to smile at them even though they were in my mouth with latex gloves and I couldn’t really do anything with those bright stadium lights in my eyes and those drills that were giving me a migraine. Really, I meant well but then they brought this HUGE (and I’m not exaggerating) injection full of local anesthesia and I was thinking about why the fuck I needed that because really, all I had was a chipped tooth and before I could point this out they stuck that thing in me and my tongue went limp. Then they realized they injected it in the wrong place and had to get out another monster of an injection and well, you get the picture.
Then in walks this scary guy with a moustache and really he looks like a troll – a smart troll if there is such a thing. And all these students whimpered and scattered in awe. And man, he had this presence, and I’m not a wimp or anything but he really scared the crap outta me. Then he took this ENORMOUS hammer and started banging at my wisdom tooth like he was trying to demolish a house without using those TNT thingies they show on Discovery (you know that american show where they destroy these colossal buildings with their fancy explosives and then the whole building just free falls and then you think to yourself that that’s exactly how the twin towers looked when they were falling and … well, conspiracy theories for later)
And before my mind made all these free associations, he had a perfectly good wisdom tooth in his hand with its gorgeous white roots and now I just wanna cry because it really was so damn beautiful.
Snap out of it Anju
Okay, Okay, so where was I? Aah yes. He’s holding that tooth in his hand and I’m thinking to myself that I’d really love to have that, you know? Not for the tooth fairy but, I don’t know, why do people wanna horde beautiful things? I haven’t cracked this being a human thing yet. He smiles at me like a vampire and not like those sparkly, faggoty ones because then I’d fall over myself laughing and imagine doing that with your tongue paralyzed and half your jaw numb. He looked like the Jack Nicholson joker, when he had this evil plan but was being all nice and polite so he can lure you away and batman would have to come and ask him where Harvey Dent is.
Oh hell, now I’m mixing movies up. Sorry, Sorry.
He calls his evil minions and they’re all “oooh”ing and “aaah”ing and all I really wanna do is punch them in the gonads. He tells them “You see kids, dentistry is an art”, here he takes the fucking hammer again, “you need to hold this baby in the right angle” , and he starts probing in my mouth again, “and then hit it slowly like so”, here he’s going at it with my other wisdom tooth like he’s MC Hammer or that weird Vanilla Ice song (Cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon – yea, that one) “You have to be really careful because once a patient died at my table because my colleague didn’t do it right and he hit a nerve and the patient died on the spot” here I didn’t know whether to cry or pass out but what I really wanted was to sob.
And just like that he pulls out another perfectly good tooth. And when it was done, he patted my shoulder and walked of to the next patient. Then these students scrambled and picked up this needle and thread and then are saying to themselves that they don’t know how to stitch up the gaping hole in my precious jaw, but they try anyway. They decide it doesn’t look right, so they cut it with scissors and they try it again from a different angle. They see the doctor walking back towards them so even without finishing it they cut the thread and now not only do I have two less teeth, I have this thread sticking out that I can’t help but run my tongue over and over.
I think to myself that all this is because of that stupid teddy bear I threw down the well when I was 5 after I told him he was a stupid stuffed animal with stitches and if he couldn’t stand up for himself then he should go for a swim. And mostly I said this because I was in love with G.i. Joe and now I just wanted to get down on my knees and tell that poor teddy bear that I’m sorry and that he can stop consorting with God in making my life so damned miserable.
I couldn’t even sue these students & that institution because I signed papers saying they were not responsible and shit and I couldn’t even say they suckered me into it. And how much could I spit and curse at that goddamned doctor when my face was still numb from the anestasia.
My dentist (this time a proper one cause I really did learn my lesson) had polished another wisdom tooth really thin the last time after a root canal to some other tooth and because of that my tooth fell apart and now he wants to remove it because “Wisdom Teeth don’t really matter” and I want to slap him in the face with his latex gloves. How can I be all wise and understanding without them? Samson had his hair, let me have my teeth.
If I were a Buddhist and into positive thinking I could’ve convinced myself that this would be a story worth telling my children – the ones I’m never gonna have because I’m gonna cut up my Vas Deferens the way Rob did. And then I remember I’m a girl and now have one more thing to rage against (not having a vas defrens I mean)
Fuck you, dentists. One day I will find Yoda and kill you with a thought. Enough said.