Gutted.

I locked myself in the room for the first time in ages last night and I wept. My grandmother walked into a cupboard thinking it’s the door to the bathroom, she walked into the wall while going to wash her hands and if I wasn’t around, she’d have fallen down from her chair. My worst fears are coming true – she’s going blind. It’s a cataract and we can see it and it’s devastating that we can’t do anything about it. She will not co-operate – she hasn’t really seen a doctor since she came here 9 years ago. The last time, she pushed the doctor and scratched the 3 nurses that came to help and pee’d on the x-ray machine.

I don’t care that I will always have to be around now – I’m looking forward to it. I love her like I would my own daughter. She acts like a 6 year old and won’t start eating until we tell her we’re serving her earthworms (noodles) and intestines (pasta) and stirred mud with sugar (bournvita). Chicken = Dog meat, Rice = Maggots. It really is a pleasure.

But to think that she won’t be able to see my sister and her boyfriend when they come home for Christmas, won’t be able to tease him about being a white boy, won’t be able to watch them walk down the aisle when they do, that she won’t be able to see me dance around her just to get her to laugh – it’s breaking me. I can’t get her to my room on the first floor and watch her snore in the other bed. Everything seems dangerous. Things that used to make her giggle (like when we’d run down the stairs just to hug her) now scare her.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can get through the day without crying every time I see her stretch her hands out to get a feel for where she is.

This is painful.

15 thoughts on “Gutted.

  1. Aw. 😦
    I am sending a massive digital hug to you for what it’s worth. I wish I could help by saying something useful and supportive but I guess there’s not really anything else… sorry.

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  2. So it seems I’m not the only one with those kinda problems! I’m sorry to read about your grandma, how is she now? I know that I’ve cried more in the last year than the whole 23 years before combined. Sometimes you just need to let the tears out, but I think you know all of this already. But at least you seem to take the whole situation better than me since all I wanna do is run away as fast as I can, but enough of me, sorry to be rambling on like this. I wish your family strength no matter what, you can’t have enough of it!

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    1. Yes, it made it easier for me to sympathize with you because I know what it is to be a caretaker. Granted I could leave any time I wanted, I just can’t bring myself to stay away for too long. Hugs.Thank you. That means a lot to me! It really does.

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      1. Yes, we do have that ability. I read about the resilience of humans everyday in the news. And there are so many stories in blogs of people overcoming difficulties. I think when we read about the lives of others, it helps us overcome our own fears/troubles. It also helps to share them with others.

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  3. My blessing and respect for you Cupitonian. It is hard to watch our loves ones take their aging steps in life; however grandmother is fine and has accepted what she wants done to herself, even if that means seeing no doctors. You can not lead a dog to drink if they chose not too. But know you’re fears are real and validated. If lost of one senses, the others become stronger, while humbling the human in many ways that are unexplainable. In fact; an experience that your grandmother has reached a stage of memories to be thankful in her life. You are truly a marvelous good loving granddaughter who loves her dearly to give unconditional love and sacrifice by showing her what a wonderful life she has lived being loved by YOU. Blessings to you! 🙂

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  4. I appreciate this post was written back in 2011 but, being blind it struck a chord with me. I often feel lucky that I lost my sight at about 18-months-old so have no recollection of being fully sighted. Losing one’s vision early (or being born with none) means that you cant miss something you have never had or, at any rate something you can not remember. Having said that, many people do learn to cope extremely well on losing their sight in later life and continue to live rich lives and (from your later comments) it appears that your grandmother reached a better place. Take care, Kevin

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    1. Hi Kevin. Thank you so much for your comments. My grandmother is still alive and kicking, but I think being blind sometimes gets to her. But it sort of gets to us more because she can’t imagine our partners, and the new additions in our lives because she’s never seen them and she doesn’t speak the language. But she’s still full of joy with those of us she knew before she went fully blind, and I’ll take what I can get.

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