R.I.P. Romance

It’s like one day I closed a book as I fell asleep and the next thing I know, Romantic Ideals are butchered. Cold Blooded Murder. No, seriously. It made me physically sick to look at 21st century romantic heroes aka Edward Cullen and Christian Grey.

The men we’re supposed to fall madly in love with:

  • Have major daddy issues and painful pasts
  • Are much older
  • Insanely jealous, possessive, domineering – will beat the shit out of anyone who even looks at you for longer than 2 seconds
  • Have weird and frankly disturbing sexual appetites (one is a 100odd year old virgin and the other is an obsessive BDSM indulger)
  • Have dark hair and have bodies that make your ovaries explode
  • Are extremely athletic and fit, apart from being ruthless businessmen and beautiful singers and piano players
  • RICH – travel around in cars you only see on TV, have millions of staff at their beck and call at any time of day
  • Wants you all for himself, forces you into early marriage and then forbids you to work or meet your friends or leave your honeymoon suite because you’re his and he can’t bear to see you “hurt”
  • Opens up and heals ONLY once you are in their lives
  • Has a crazy ex who will try to kill or sabotage your relationship with him
  • Thinks they have no souls and that it would be better if we stayed away from them

And I’m supposed to model myself on these girls (a.k.a. Bella Swan and Anastasia Steele)

  • Brunette, pale and skinny
  • Clumsy – always tripping and falling and scraping
  • Is told to stay away but doesn’t give a shit
  • Same facial expression for everything
  • Likes to be stalked – likes that he stares at you while you sleep and tracks your cell phone to find out where you are
  • You FAIL at sports and any athletic endevours but you are not a “girly girl”
  • EXTREMELY low self-esteem – keep going on and on about how you can’t see what he sees in you or why he loves you when there are so many other “hot” women in the world
  • Can cook like a dream because you’ve been cooking for step-dad who raised you while mom was away serial dating
  • Keep thinking you’re one of the boys and that you’re a rebel and “different” from the other girls
  • Believe you are totally independent but take all his shit about driving you wherever you need to be because your car does not pass his test, buying you expensive stuff and dressing you in clothes he prefers on you rather than the ones you’re comfortable in
  • Totally okay with him bad-mouthing and roughing up your best friend in the world
  • Friendzone the only guy who treats you well and loves you for who you are
  • Perpetually horny
  • Will do ANYTHING for him in the bedroom or otherwise, including saying yes to marriage after only knowing him for a couple of weeks
  • Virgin

And since I had to stop in the middle of this to go throw up, you’ll just have to deal with the fact that I’m going to be

 

15 thoughts on “R.I.P. Romance

  1. Ah, Edward Cullen is such an idiot. As for Mr. Grey, I haven’t read the book but read enough stuff about it to know, that I don’t want to spent any time with it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on Bella, the feminist in me wanted to kick her tiny ass all over those 4 books while reading them!

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    1. Ugh, tell me about it. The women are so whiny. And so fussy about food – both the ladies are thrown info about how their love interests are either supernatural or is into this – and the only thing they can think about is how they can’t eat anything (even though they haven’t eaten all day). I mean, who chooses listening to a guy talk about his issues over devouring a cheesecake?

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      1. Whiny, that’s the word I was looking for earlier, but I wasn’t sure how to properly write it, so I left it out. And who wants a man that sparkles in sunlight and is so pale and boring and cold?
        Everything I’ve read so far of 50SoG is really disturbing! It makes me sick to my stomach. Like when Bella was so devastated after Edward left in book 2 even though she had the most amazing friend in Jacob she could even dream of.

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        1. Right? But then everyone I know wants to date someone like him and Mr. Grey. WHY WHY WHY? I don’t want to live on this planet any more. What’s wrong with a Healthy, mutually respectful, stable relationship?

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          1. I know. I lost track of this whole mess when all the girls around me started to love the Twilight saga and I couldn’t help but laugh at those poor books.
            I always thought that discussing math with your partner must be pretty amazing. Why won’t girls become amazing know-it-alls like Hermione again? Or even Buffy? She was a tough girl, never needed any stupid man to save her.

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            1. I could never judge a book or movie without actually reading/watching it myself. But when I did, I wanted to kill myself for time I will never get back. And exactly, Hermione even Elizabeth to her Darcy had a fight to her. If Bella was like Buffy and Edward was like Spike, I’d probably love twilight.

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              1. Yessss. And then Buffy staked Edward, the end!
                That’s why I read Twilight, I wanted to see/read it for myself but I was really disappointed. But well, we can’t all like the same things I guess, even though it always amazes me 🙂

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  2. Urgh, for some reason, I didn’t check what fifty shades was about. But when I started reading it, it was a queer Twilight deja vu all over again!
    The book was crap! I honestly could not believe why people would actually buy this load of junk. The writing was terrible, the characters were stilted and the sex scenes just made me stop reading it altogether. The whole thing was just plain bad.

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    1. Right? Apparently the book started off as fan fiction for twilight. Hence the whole Christian Grey = Edward Cullen, Jose Rodriguez = Jacob Black and the two heroines are basically the same – whiny and ugh … there are just no words. I don’t think EL James proof read the books and her editors probably were too sickened to either?

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  3. I got another name for it – Filthy Shades of Grey 😛 what with the toilet paper use and all LOL.
    seriously, I want to kick Christian Grey’s condescending ass with the same paddle or whip he loves so much.

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