How to Snag a Boy Post Valentine’s Day

This “50% off Valentine’s Day Chocolate” concept does not exist in India. We sell everything at full price, even if it’s past its expiry date. Except when it comes to clothes, then everything’s on sale ALL THE EXPLETIVE TIME! For a person whose idea of shopping is strolling for hours in a book store, this does not work out for me. So what does one do during the post Valentine’s Day lull? From this end of the calendar, St. Paddy’s Day seems too far away.

Yesterday, the traffic was surprisingly light and I was close to home nearly an hour too early. And you know what happens when you work long hours, when you find yourself with free time, you panic. I walked into the saloon before I realised where my feet were taking me and before I knew it, the hairdressers had all cleared their schedule so they could pamper me.

Sweeny Todd

This isn’t a new phenomenon. On account of my hair being really long and black and thick, these ladies usually fawn over me with the hopes of trying out new hair spa stuff. They think it’s therapeutic to blow dry my hair. After a while they all start to sound like my good friend Sweeny Todd, in that, I can never say no to them. This time though, I was determined I would be in and out in 40 minutes.

Horrifying Hairdressers

On account of my strong ‘NO!’s, they sat me under that hair steamer thingie (what is it called?) and punished me by giving me a HUGE bridal magazine to go through. I realised that they knew me too well. An hour where I couldn’t move, if they couldn’t play with my hair, then they might as well torture me with the one thing I freak out about – all things wedding!

Panic Attack

I was determined to enjoy myself, just to spite them a bit and came across this very interesting articles about the 4 most erotic things for a guy. It started with snippets from what could also be a blatant plagiarism of some questionable Penthouse letters. Followed by an increasingly amusing list.

1. Being Ravished
Nothing is as erotic by being slowly undressed by a woman’s eyes. If there’s lust in her eyes, there’s bound to be movement in the pantal area. A man wants to be ravished. Doesn’t matter if you know him or not, just make sure to check him out and make sure he knows it. Even if you have to follow him two blocks to his house.

And here’s a penthouse equivalent quote –
“My favorite is the heart. It’s a locket.
“You can put a picture or whatever in that.”
“A picture of you.”
I glance at him through my lashes.
“Always in my heart.”
– Ana Steele, 50 Shades of Grey

Pro Tip – Remember to look at him THROUGH your lashes so that he looks like he’s caged in jail and your saviour complex comes rushing up to the fore.

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2. Being a Virgin
Go get your hymen fixed. I don’t care if it’s the 21st century. If you want a man who will stay with you beyond the Valentine’s Day desperation, you better be prepared to be doe eyed and innocent and willing to submit to anything a man says. Being in control, having that sort of power drives the man insane. This explains the whole “dress like a school girl” phenomenon.

“Like a virgin, touched for the very first time”
– Madonna, Like a Virgin

Pro Tip – If you don’t look like Madonna, you need to do something abour your lady part situation. Statistics are on your side

3. Being Open Minded.
One word. Threesome. There wasn’t enough written under this except a line about how a man is extremely turned on by being kissed in two places at once. I was curious about whether it had to be two women and a guy, two guys and a girl, three women, three men? The mathematics of this really tormented me for the rest of the evening.

“A love triangle is a threesome delayed.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Pro Tip – To spice things up in the bedroom, hide his PS4 and let’s be honest. That is the real threesome situation in your life.

epic-love-triangle

4. Being Naughty
Sexy times in a public place – so HOT! Elevators with CCTV, restrooms with a million budding diseases, car without its handbrake on. LET YOUR IMAGINATION FLOW. You are bound to be aroused by the sheer adventure of it.

“Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.”
– Billy Crystal

Pro Tip – Never leave home without washlets and a litre of sanitizer. Also, wave for the cameras.

Smile and Wave

Just remember, if you want someone who will stay with you FOREVS and not just on socially sanctioned days of love, do this for you man. Bonus, if you do all this, you’ll get to keep them even after death do you part!

45 thoughts on “How to Snag a Boy Post Valentine’s Day

  1. I am glad to see that you didn’t end up in the cellar below Sweeney Todd’s barber’s shop, otherwise I would have to send in reinforcements, in the form of Trigger to rescue you! Being blind I find that scents can be incredibly erotic. A beautiful perfume has me swooning over the woman in question (seriously)! You hear of amorous couples having broken beds in hotel rooms, I should imagine that a threesome is almost guaranteed to achieve that effect so, for anyone tempted to indulge in such erotic play have your cheque book to hand to pay for the impending damage! Thanks for making me smile today, Kevin

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    1. When you said that thing about wallets, I obviously assumed something else. Withdrawal symptoms after reading First Time? I do believe that scents are erotic. I did read somewhere that women are genetically engineered to find their mate by their smell.

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      1. If women find their mate by their scent I need to start changing my socks more than once a week, perhaps I could run to twice …! Re The First Time I haden’t thought of that! Being serious for a moment, too much scent, in the form of perfume can repel just as much as a discreet spray of scent can attract!

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  2. Extremely funny! I hate going to a salon too. and those recommendations..grrr…how do i tell them that nothing on earth can make my frizzy here look smooth and shiny..

    Anyway, keep smiling! 🙂

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    1. Kate, that was my dillemma as well, You have to be naughty and nice. And I want my man to look as hot as Kit Harrington and have the intelligence of Stephen Fry – that’s not going to happen 😀

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  3. I just came back from the visit to the salon…and switching on the computer…find this blog…hilarious…and let me tell you this…it’s not just women who are enticed with the hair spa…we men are not discriminated against! 😀 And for last so many years, I keep saying no! 🙂 Oh, about the 4 points…i am positive they will turn any man on! LOL 🙂

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      1. hohohoho….i sincerely hope…not all my secrets!! 😀 only secret passage to my…whatever! 😀 😀 And let’s hope not everyone becomes a NO sayer…we don’t want our salons to close down due to low business 😉

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  4. That article is so extreme and so funny that I can’t help laughing. For one thing, I hate sitting still wile someone else fidgets with my hair. I always feel like they’re going to get it wrong. And then there;s the fact that on a student budget I can’t afford to indulge in anything.

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    1. 😥 Finances are the worst bit. If you go to a cheaper place, you;ll save money but you’ll have to live with your crap hairstyle for too long. And the other one just robs you blind.

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  5. Lets you, me and Madonna have a threesome in a phonebooth or other pubic place with me miming ‘Get Lucky’ on an organ as I look at your hymen through her eyelashes…just as soon as I finish this mission in GTA5

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  6. Lol…XD
    And I feel for you…I have long hair too so the parlour ladies pounce on me with offers and booklets. Also its kind of disconcerting how they give you these not-so-subtle veiled insults …Like , “Your hair is really thinning out at the front…But don’t worry, you can stave off baldness with so and so treatment..” etc etc 😛

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