There are Words

There are words out there that aren’t encircled in anatomically incorrect hearts and bright red fonts, words that you don’t have to pay millions for – just as there are days where saying “I love you” isn’t just a thing you do because Hallmark DEMANDS it! I know there are. I wish I had the sort of creative genius to catch them off the air and wrap them in gold tinted clouds to leave at your doorstep.

Would that I could put into words the way you make me feel with all the things that you are and do. I would tell you, in a greeting card sort of way, that you are “everything” and then be caught in a lie. You most definitely aren’t everything and THAT is what makes me fall in love with you over and over again.

I love you because you aren’t as annoying as a crying baby on an 18 hour flight. I love you because instead of publishing incriminating stories about me, you make poetry out of words as mundane as “nice”. I love you because you don’t treat me like a commodity, you make me feel like a beautiful, strong person with all the possibilities in the world available at my fingertips. I love you because you don’t let me believe that things are easy, you are realistic and even when things are difficult, you urge me to try. I love you because you don’t run away screaming everytime you see me, even if I’m dressed like Totoro and trying to scare the kids who come to play basketball. I love you for not owning a goddamn plane full of snakes because I would love those snakes more. (Yes, yes I would!)

But this is not romantic and the words that exist, they are out of my reach.

And so for right now, I hope the hearts say what I’m fumbling at.

Did my heart love

Happy Valentine’s Day, my love.

Valentines Day Fiesta – 14 Ways to Show Your Love

Long time readers will know of the series – The BEST Valentines EVER – that I did last year on ways in which you can show your loved one just how much you love them. I got tonnes of emails after that about how much of a success it was and how I should be a love guru. Therefore, I’m going to put out another set here because, well, you know, I love and care for you. Here’s my 2014 list!


Nothing says “I love you” like loo roll that reads “My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in!”. Don’t forget the giant red heart!
Use one of your neighbour’s children’s broken Barbie/Mindy toys to handmake a love note for your special someone. It’ll mean even more to them if you don’t get caught doing it!
Thank you, 50 shades of Grey!
Teach your pet to wink just as creepily as you. Your loved one will not be able to resist this tag teaming!
How can anyone say no to you after this card?
Vintage Valentines cards are the BEST!
This card should ideally be followed by a date in the gym!
Don’t let your wife see this card you’re giving to your Valentine!
Cleaniless is Godliness!
This is the outside of the BEST card in this series

This is my personal favourite and I’m going to use it this year. Nothing is more desirous than the hint of getting dirty!
No words. No words!
Racism is the best way to your lover’s heart!
For all you men out there, please make your partner’s dream come true by taking this sort of selfie!
And for those of you who are blessed with good hair growth. An alternative would be to shave out little heart shapes on your chest and back.

Friday Finds

Just a gentle reminder to you ladies, Valentines day is just 7 days away. If you’re stuck for ideas on how to show your man/woman/pet/video game/favourite onesie your love, try this.

Nothing says I love you like a Sanitary Napkin!
Nothing says I love you like a Sanitary Napkin!

I’m off to write the internet a love note!

The BEST Valentines EVER!

This is going to be a bit different and A rated compared to my others posts. So brace yourselves  and if you’re in the mood for a story about my first trip overseas, read my guest blog over at 1001 Scribbles (where my friend Ana Silva posts some amazing travel stories and photos.) You might spot the inside of a UFO somewhere.

So it is Valentine’s Day today and we have to put up with posts that make us want to slit our wrists. This is normal. But with the turn of the century, we have new levels of craziness we have to deal with. And when I say crazy, I mean downright BIZARRE! And of all things weird, this TWIHARD nonsense just takes the cake. I mean, seriously, just take a look at the awkward places in which they put Robert Pattinson’s face and all the peculiar Twilight gifts you can buy your vampire crazy girlfriend or boyfriend.

1) Edward Cullen Tattoo

Nothing says “I love you” like a permanent tattoo – especially one that sparkles. Come on, you can’t get more thoughtful than this.


2) Panties Galore

The best thing about the Valentine excuse is that you can give your better half a gift that you can enjoy – yoga pants and lingerie and … well, you know what I mean. And for your Twilight crazy beau, I present you Edward Cullen on your crotch – Patti-Panties!


3) Come Alive at Night

If things get a bit frisky after your sexy panty walk, make sure to have these handy. Cover your stump before you hump, cloak the joker before you poke her – You get the drift.



4) Literary Love

For those intellectual types who want their lover to read more, make sure to buy them one of those classically tragic love stories – The Wuthering Heights. Not because it’s a brilliant book, but because it’s Bella and Edward Cullen’s most favourite literary piece. And if that doesn’t please them, paint a giant Edward sized shadow on the wall for those nights when you feel like being watched over. Not creepy at all!


5) Take Matters Into Your Own Hands

For those who’re planning to spend Valentine’s alone, remember, you don’t have to. This piece of art has a deathly pale flesh tone that sparkles in the sunlight and retains cold temperature. The description said “Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience”


Yes, yes. You can all thank me later!

KIDDING! Meanwhile, while I was considering making a giant ‘I hate Valentines Day’ banner to hang up on our terrace, I came across these totally geeky cards that used lame puns and some clever computer references that you know I LOVE!

Awww, YAY for Binary Love! 🙂
Yes, yes we do!
Yes, yes we do!

And then there were these words that you would NEVER say in person but with those cute cartoons, how can you resist?

Right back atcha, Jack Skellington
I’d take a hammer to you too, sweetie!
He loves me. He really, REALLY loves me!
He loves me. He really, REALLY loves me!

And for those spamming meme sites with Forever Alone posts, here’s a piece of advice from the Great Interwebs!


And my most favourite one – I’m pretty sure my brother secretly wrote this!


To all of you who’ve put up with my shenanigans (I wanted some excuse to use that word. Okay?), Happy V-Day.

Please Don't Puke Anti Valentine